The struggle was a surprise. Lethargy set in. I could not get myself motivated and the more I tried, the more self critical I became. I wallowed in the murkiness of pity. I cried out to the winds for help from Spirit, and then fell guiltily groveling in self defeat. “I have come to far to suddenly fall into this shadow,” I lamented. Oh the arrogance of myself in two ways…thinking I have had great spiritual awakenings while at the same time falling into an old paradigm of unworthiness. Oh how arrogant not to honor the Divine that is the me living in light and shadow expressing the polarities of the realm of matter.
My plan to become ever stronger in the quest to live consciously with my soul voice as guidance, was swaying from light to shadow. My deep desire to express a higher level of my divine self waned as I found I could not even get excited about the new book I’m writing, the classes I’m teaching or the preparation for a new sound class I will attend. It took every ounce of prayers, that didn’t seem to work, to get even a glimpse of light.
I called on The Divine Feminine. I called on the Grandmother’s who are now a great part of meditations, shamanic journeys, and dreams as they teach me of the cycles of the soul. The Wee One sounded a giggle for me, as though to lighten me up, or tease me into action. All the while she encouraged me to climb a great cliff. Humph, what good is that?
The Ocean Grandmother kept calling me to the Greater Memory of my Divine Self. Yet, in my shadow, I felt I was letting her and the Divine down. I had no motivation. They would tell me as was on the journey, in the journey, and nothing was lacking Spirit. Ugh, I wished I could believe them.
In meditation, after a long time of struggle, I heard my guardian Malachi-Mohad make a noise of chaos. He was telling me to center in the chaos repeatedly until I could be in my center-point. As I did he reminded me of the teaching of the ego. In the early 1980’s I had a similar struggle. I wanted to be rid of my ego and live only for the Divine in a Divine way. The more I tried, the more I seemed to fail and the more of my life around me seemed to be filled with disasters. At this point, Malachi-Mohad was showing me I was repeating that cycle of fighting my ego and despairing that I was not spiritual enough. My first response was, “You would think, Malachi, that after 32 years, I would get this.” I recalled his teaching led me to an article and teaching a class on, “Love the Ego or Leave it.” Part of his encouragement to Do Not Worry. I did, however, relax into listening and contemplating the wisdom once again.
The Ego has two levels. A crude expression and a more refined expression. A lower quality and a higher quality, if you will. It is also created by the Divine Creator, not just the human nature believing in right and wrong.
In the crude expression the ego reveals tactics in mind and emotions that create actions of self defeat or arrogance. Both appear to be of a morally unattractive state. The crude expression always signals the inner voice to be critical of self and others. Jealousy arises as we see others as better than ourselves, doing what we want to do, but we simply can’t get there. Fear arises because we see others better than ourselves and feel the “no hope for me,” emerge. Or, we feel no one is better and no one is a way-shower to present a doorway out of our darkness (including angelic guardians). We are defeated before we even cycle into action to change (like we usually do) when in the consciousness of our unrefined ego. The crude aspect of our ego is the saboteur we allow to take command of our life. It is the shadow that overcomes our will and succumbs to defeat. Yet truth be known, we cannot stay in that state. We may want to give up, but something, someone, or some event always flickers a light that urges us to change.
The refined expression of the ego comes from the mystical wisdom that the ego is one aspect of the Whole Being of our human existence. It is the part of our sacred self we express through our personality-revealing a unique quality of self and the Universe. We use our refined ego to express a healthy state of self esteem. We honor that whomever we are at any moment is the right expression of our evolution and soul intentions. Ultimately, the Light side of our ego is the gift of sharing the talents we were born to excavate, refine and share with others. Our talents are not graded as good, better or best. Through the refined ego, we know well that our talents are part of the tapestry of life and are to be seen, shared and honored. In the Light quality of our Ego, we recognize the Divine in Action and we are the field of matter in our human existence that the Divine is expressing the multiplicity of innate abilities. We can honor our attributes as well as others, knowing that all together we make a colorful picture of existence.
As Malachi-Mohad taught, way back 32 years ago, we will never be without our ego and the more we struggle with it the more it remains in the shadow. “Ah,” I think to myself, “3+2 = 5: the power to change and master our lives. I’m in right timing.”
Negative challenges will be a part of our life, self-criticism will guide lethargy, and joylessness clouds our creative processes that are intended to be a developing expression in our lifetime. He also taught that it is our Free Will and Choice that is to be used to change the Ego Game of Self Defeat into the Higher Expression of a positive and healthy self-esteem that knows it is important to be a part of the whole community in which the Divine Lives in us and through us…the realm of human beings. No matter how we think we look, act or respond to life…all has its perfect place and when we are uncomfortable, then it is time to change our reality.
Ah, the thoughts and wisdom that refresh. I kicked my fanny, and began to live in light again. Yep, I have to carry the ego with me in the evolution of soul consciousness, and use my will power to live in my refined ego. Each day I once again bless the whole of my being: Spirit, Emotion, Mind, Physical, Ego and Soul (S.E.M.P.E.S.). Back on track I know that challenges are a part of life and I nor anyone else is deficient in the shadow or better because we are in the light. We simply are the ever evolving being we are created to be.
…Until Next Time:
From My Heart to Your Heart
Love and Blessings,
Rev. Katherine Bell, Ph.D.,D.D.